Why it is crucial to discipline your child effectively

“When we go to the store this afternoon, you had better not embarrass me.” I remember hearing that statement, or something like it, on a number of occasions growing up. It was my parents’ statement to me of their expectations. They did not want me to act up in front of others. Why? Because it reflected poorly on them!

If the truth is told, parents have many motivations for child discipline. No parent likes to be the one whose child is throwing a tantrum in the grocery store because they cannot have the candy they want. Or whose child cannot sit still and listen to their Sunday School teacher. Or whose child took a toy away from another child at kindergarten and made them cry.

But is this the main purpose of discipline, to have a well-behaved child in public? The answer is, yes and no. We do want our children to know how to behave in public. It is an important life skill to know how to act at the grocery story, and in church, and at school. In fact these are crucial life skills. A child who does not understand how to act appropriately with others will have increasing difficulties as they grow up. So when your mother laid out the expectations about how you were to behave in a certain situation, she was actually on to something. But what was it?

One of the main goals of parental discipline is to help your child develop self-discipline. You discipline your child because it is the only way for them to learn to discipline themselves. This is an often overlooked function of discipline. If you want your child to learn to discipline themselves, you must impose discipline on them from the outside. They learn inner discipline through the external discipline they receive.

Think about it. How does a child learn to sit quietly? By being made to sit quietly. How does a child learn they cannot have everything they want? By not getting everything they want. What helps your child learn to play well with others? By learning that certain behaviors are unacceptable. By having external disciplines placed on them children develop inner skills. They learn inner discipline by the external limits placed on them.

Parents who miss this crucial point do their children a disservice. No parent likes to tell their child, “No.” We love our children and want to give them things they want. But this is not healthy for them. For one thing the world does not work this way. In life they are certainly not going to get everything they want. They need to learn to adjust to this reality and the sooner the better. They are going to need self-discipline all throughout life. The sooner they start to develop it, the easier it will be for them.

What then is the right balance? How often should we say, “Yes” to our child and how often should we say, “No?” Child psychologist John Rosemond says that the proper ratio of “No” to “Yes” is about four to one. If you say “Yes” one time to every four times you say “No,” you have gotten it about right. I always remembered this when I was raising my children and found it helpful. A good parent will often feel like they are saying “No” most of the time. But don’t worry. Your child is not suffering permanent damage. They are learning that the world does not revolve around them. This is a good lesson and one of the most important ones they will ever learn.

The next time you feel guilty as a parent for saying “No” to your child, remember one of the grand purposes of discipline. Even when you say “No” for no apparent reason, something good is happening in your child. They are learning to do without something they want. They are delaying gratification. They are learning to adjust to life as it is. These are good life lessons and ones they will eventually be glad you taught them.

Dr. Robert Bohler, Jr. - Dec 22, 2017